


The Agreement

by language_escapes



Series: Instead of My Saints 'verse [7]
Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Alternate Universe, Gen, Kid Fic, Rules
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-18
Updated: 2011-12-18
Packaged: 2017-10-27 12:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,464
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/295868
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/language_escapes/pseuds/language_escapes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Their household runs on something the kids jokingly call The Agreement.  It goes something like this: Mom’s word is law; listen to him, and no one will get hurt.  An alternative universe in which Hotch and Gideon are the foster parents of the rest of the team.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Agreement

**Author's Note:**

> This is a shared universe in which Elle, Morgan, Prentiss, Garcia, JJ and Reid are children, while Hotch and Gideon (and later Rossi) are their foster parents. This universe parallels several major canon events.

Their household runs on something the kids jokingly call The Agreement. It goes something like this: Mom’s word is law; listen to him, and no one will get hurt.

Hotch is pretty sure there are subsections and clauses, with addendums and referendums and footnotes of footnotes of footnotes (never let it be said his kids are anything other than thorough), but the generally accepted First Clause of The Agreement is: Even Dad follows The Agreement; therefore, check your ego at the door and follow Dad’s example.

Hotch and Jason find The Agreement amusing. It helps that it actually works. For the most part, the kids listen to him, with almost blind faith in his decisions, his wisdom. Jason, too; when Hotch tells him to pick up the kids, he goes. When he tells him to go buy groceries, Jason asks which ones. Never mind that Hotch always tells Jason to get whatever he wants. Jason still asks.

Hotch isn’t sure of when The Agreement first became The Agreement. He does know, however, that when Spencer first arrived, Derek, Penelope, and Jenny sat him down and laid out what Hotch now recognizes as the beginnings of The Agreement. And when Elle arrived, blistering fury and tempestuous rage, it was Spencer who marched up to her and laid out The Agreement. And, with Penelope and Jenny’s help, explained what felt like a very complicated contract, Derek looking on with amusement. When Emily arrived, all sharp and brittle edges, it was explained to her over several days, during breakfast, car rides, and homework. Now, Hotch is sure she could recite it verbatim.

The Agreement has branched out, and now includes sections on how to keep certain individuals happy. “Don’t make jokes about mental illness,” is Spencer-specific. “We do not watch movies with gun noises,” is for Derek’s sake. Cracks about teen mothers, suicide, car accidents, and gang violence are strictly forbidden (Jenny, Emily, Penelope, and Elle). It helps; the kids no longer shy away from each other, afraid of stepping on a land mine.

Nobody has ever told him directly, but Hotch has also overheard several Agreement clauses that directly relate to him and Jason. While standing at the base of the stairs, sorting through mail, he heard Penelope upstairs, reprimanding Jenny. “You can’t forget the First Clause, sub-clause 1, subsection 4, part B!” Penelope said. And Jenny, as though reciting something that had been quoted often, replied, “‘Never approach Dad from behind; hypervigilance doesn’t stop him from smacking you before he knows who you are.’” Later, when Hotch had asked, Jason admitted that he had nearly knocked Jenny over after she hugged him from behind.

There are others.

Second clause, sub-clause twelve, subsection 1, part A: _The pink apron means goodness in the kitchen, don’t miss out._

Third clause, sub-clause one, subsection 23, part C: _Never interrupt Derek while he’s listening to his music._

Eighth clause, sub-clause one, subsection 13, part B: _Don’t move Emily’s necklace out of the bathroom, she’ll get it herself later._

Seventh clause, sub-clause one, subsection 3, part F: _You are not allowed to pick up the extension and listen to Elle’s calls to her boyfriend_.

Fifth clause, sub-clause four, subsection 1, part A: _If Jenny wins, cheer loudly; if Jenny loses, cheer anyway_.

Ninth clause, sub-clause two, subsection 1, part C: _Jack is family, too; try not to resent him too much._

Fourth Clause, sub-clause one, subsection 14, part I: _Don’t take Penelope’s pens_.

Sixth Clause, sub-clause one, subsection 3, part D: _Spencer’s side of the room does, in fact, have order; don’t mess it up._

Second Clause, sub-clause two, subsection 3, part A: _Give Mom fifteen minutes to himself when he gets home so he can forget all the bad stuff he saw._

Ninth Clause, sub-clause one, subsection 2, part B: _Phone calls to biological relatives are sacred; unless the house is burning down, don’t interrupt them._

First Clause, sub-clause two, subsection 1, part A: _Forgive Dad, because he thinks no one will._

Hotch wonders if all kids are this smart, or if it’s just his.

Then there are the exceptions to The Agreement. If Mom is telling you to eat your vegetables, you may ignore The Agreement. If Mom tells you to go to bed, you may ignore The Agreement. If Dad clearly disagrees with Mom, you may ignore The Agreement. If Mom tells you not to read under the covers, you may ignore The Agreement. If Mom is insisting that you clean your room, you may ignore The Agreement. If Mom is telling you to do something that you know is dumb, you may ignore The Agreement. That one, though, comes with a footnote: What you think is dumb now may come and smack you in the face later; maybe you should follow The Agreement.

Of course, everyone has their own form of The Agreement, in some ways. Hotch thinks that some things were never actually added to The Agreement formally, and just became accepted over time. Things like Derek’s protectiveness of Penelope and Spencer. Like Elle fighting with anyone who tried to hurt someone she cared about. Like JJ refusing to let Penelope date anyone who she hasn’t vetted first. Like Spencer and Emily’s habit of doubting themselves, but rarely others. Hotch can see these unofficial clauses clearly in his head. They say a lot about who his kids are.

There are random stipulations in various clauses which always amuse Hotch when he overhears them. Ninth Clause, sub-clause four, subsection 1, part A insists that the toilet seat be kept down. Sixth Clause, sub-clause seven, subsection 3, part F says that winning back Spencer’s favor is best done with chocolate chip muffins. Fifth Clause, sub-clause three, subsection 9, part A informs everyone that JJ is a notorious cheat at cards. Third Clause, sub-clause three, subsection 4, part R says that never, in the history of ever, should Derek be allowed to cook anything that involves baking soda, flour, sugar, or eggs. Footnote 1 to that particular portion of The Agreement adds chicken to the list. The second footnote adds spaghetti. The third footnote adds soup.

And then Gideon leaves, and for a tumultuous week, Hotch doesn’t hear anything about The Agreement, because there is no one to hear it from. His kids are taken away, and he’s left alone in his house, the walls echoing with children’s laughter and tears. When he gets them back, eight days after losing them, he thanks God that even Erin Strauss appears to follow an unstated form of The Agreement. And maybe she wasn’t listening to Hotch, but Dave Rossi certainly was, and if only because of that, Hotch doesn’t resent his appearance in their lives as his new co-parent.

The first month after he joins their household is messy. Hotch still has a job, and he’s too used to having Gideon automatically pick up the slack that he leaves. The first time he comes home after work, he finds Dave standing in the kitchen, splattered with honey mustard, Spencer and JJ standing on chairs fanning smoke away from the smoke detector. It’s how he learns that Dave, apparently, can’t cook. Hotch doesn’t know what to do; Derek can barely look at Dave and won’t do him any favors, and besides, he isn’t allowed to cook. Emily never learned how, being the somewhat pampered daughter of an ambassador. Penelope knows how to order takeout. He’s silently panicking about how he’s going to feed his kids when Spencer meekly announces that he learned to cook when he lived with his biological parents, and JJ brightens and says that she’d love to learn. The dinner crisis is averted, but the Rossi Crisis isn’t.

Dave doesn’t know how to read the calendar that Hotch has on the refrigerator. It’s color-coded and has abbreviations, and would probably give pause to the CIA’s best code-breakers. Hotch gets a phone call from Derek, who is furious because Dave didn’t know he was supposed to pick up JJ from soccer practice. Two days later, Penelope calls to say she’s stranded at her friend Deborah’s house; Dave was supposed to pick her up from their weekly meeting, but never showed up. Hotch calls Emily and has her take Dave’s car to pick Penelope up, which frustrates her because she was working on her homework. After the fifth phone call in a week about missed pick-ups, Hotch gets in the habit of leaving Dave notes in the morning about who he’s supposed to pick up and when, and also calls him an hour before each appointment.

Then there are the clear violations of The Agreement. The first time Dave argues with Hotch about something, Derek storms away from the dinner table and can’t be coaxed back downstairs. Spencer leaves the living room in tears when Dave makes a sarcastic comment about schizophrenia to him. Dave attempts to clean the house one day and somehow manages to violate eight different sub-clauses at once; on that day, everyone remained confined to their rooms while Dave desperately tried to put everything back the way it was.

The kids don’t take these upsets in their routine with patience and grace, either. They fight back. For a month, Hotch feels like the house is a battlefield, and he’s neutral ground. Dave’s computer mysteriously crashes, losing nearly one hundred pages of a novel he was working on. When he pulls his laundry out of the dryer one day, he finds that all of his white monogrammed shirts have been turned pink. Dave spends an hour trying to find the remote for the television one night, only to find it in the stove. Dave complains to him about the kids pranks; the kids complain to him about Dave. Hotch decides to let them work it out. But then they take a chain that Dave carries with him everywhere, one from his profiler days. Dave panics, though not visibly, and locks himself in the bedroom. Hotch decides enough is enough, and has a stern talk with all of his kids. By the end of the day, the chain is back where Dave left it.

Slowly, things begin to change. Dave begins to learn. He finally caves and asks Hotch for everyone’s case file, which Hotch gladly gives him. He reads the parenting magazines that Hotch has stashed away. Then he takes action. He institutes Friday as Pizza Day, which the kids love and Hotch hates, but accepts. He takes all the kids to see “Three Men and a Baby”, which the kids enjoy; even Derek grudgingly admits that he liked it. He buys a cook book and starts taking over dinner duties from Spencer and JJ, though they still insist on taking two or three nights a week. He figures out the calendar and stops needing constant reminders from Hotch.

After a month, a fragile peace is established. Hotch is grateful for it. Then things shift again.

Hotch is working in the kitchen, his papers spread out on across the table. It’s been six weeks since Dave moved in, and now that a ceasefire has been called, Hotch feels that he can finally devote attention back to his job without worrying about receiving a phone call from the police. Dave walks in, his face confused. Hotch ignores it; he’s working on his closing argument for the case he’s prosecuting, and doesn’t want to be distracted.

Dave doesn’t seem to notice where his attention is, though. He sits down across from Hotch, and clears his throat noisily. Hotch frowns, finishes writing his sentence, and then looks up, raising his eyebrows in askance.

“The kids are upstairs,” Dave says, and Hotch gives him a look. It is only natural that the kids are upstairs; all their bedrooms are upstairs. Dave shakes his head and continues. “They’re all in Emily’s room.”

Hotch doesn’t bother to tell Dave that this isn’t uncommon. He’ll figure it out in time. “Makes sense,” he says instead, mildly setting his pen down. “Emily has the room to herself, it has the most space.”

Dave stares at him for a long time, and Hotch impatiently waits for him to get to the point. He doesn’t mind helping Dave through the transition period, but he does mind having his time wasted. Dave picks up on Hotch’s mood and reveals, “I stood outside the door and listened.”

The amount of guilt in his voice makes Hotch grin. “How do you think parents gain knowledge about their kids, Dave?” he says, amused. “Listening at the door is probably the surest way to learn anything.”

“They were talking about ‘The Tenth Clause’,” Dave blurts.

“Oh, good. That means they’re accepting you,” Hotch says placidly, mentally adjusting his conceptions of The Agreement. He wonders if they’re writing it down. He’s never seen a written form of The Agreement, but he’s pretty sure one exists, somewhere.

“I don’t get it, what’s the Tenth Clause? What does it mean?” Dave asks. Hotch leans back in the kitchen chair, the wood creaking beneath his weight.

“The Tenth Clause is probably the Rossi Clause. Which means they’re not just adding you into the Ninth Clause, which is the Everyone Else and Everything Else Clause,” Hotch explains, knowing that he’s not really explaining anything.

Dave stares at him, then sighs in frustration and stands up, wandering away. Hotch chuckles to himself and returns to his papers.

Later, when he’s done with his work, he puts his papers away and scales the steps. There are still voices drifting out from underneath Emily’s door. Hotch listens for a moment, and then knocks lightly on the door. There is a moment of silence, and then he hears hurried footsteps and the soft scrambling of paper being shoved underneath bedcovers. A few seconds later, JJ opens the door, her brown eyes wide.

“Hey, Mom. What’s up?” she asks. Hotch can see Spencer discreetly watching him from his post at the foot of the bed. Derek and Penelope are sitting on the floor, leaning against the wall, pretending to look at one of Emily’s books. Emily herself is sitting at the head of her bed, nervously brushing her hair out of her eyes. He’s tempted to smile, but he knows it would ruin the act, so he remains as stern looking as he can.

“Tenth Clause, sub-clause three, subsection… four, I think, part A: Dave is not allowed to make Honey Mustard Chicken ever again, for fear of food poisoning or house fire,” he says. Then he nods at his kids and walks back down the stairs, allowing the smile he hid before to bloom as he hears behind him nothing but shocked silence.

Hotch has his own version of The Agreement. It’s simple, just one line long:

Always keep them guessing.


End file.
